Episode 10 - The Signs Your Body Is Telling You It’s Time To Take Care Of Yourself

A vital part of staying on top of recovering from trauma is knowing what the signs are that it's time to take care of you.

Self care is something we sometimes think can be put off. As soon as you recognize your triggers and you feel you're about to spiral, taking care of yourself is your top priority, 

We were neglected and abandoned as children so it's natural to think we don't matter. However, it's imperative we get to know ourselves and listen to the signs of your inner child crying for help. 

COMPLEX PTSD From Surviving To Thriving by Pete Walker
https://amzn.to/3RCx7rN

The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel van der Kolk:
https://amzn.to/3TLagfv

Overcoming Toxic Parenting by Rick Johnson:
https://amzn.to/3wXlBPO

Teri Anderson
trauma care 
childhood trauma 
recognizing signs 
heal yourself
childhood trauma
adverse childhood experiences
reparenting 
mental health 
awareness risk factors 
ptsd 
abandonment issues
mental health awareness
Digging Through Dominoes

 

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hello everyone and welcome back to
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digging through dominoes where we
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examine the dominoes in our past
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so we can change the game of our future
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welcome to digging through dominoes a
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podcast that looks at mental physical
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and emotional trauma through real and
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inspiring conversations
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this is your safe haven that welcomes
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you in but also isn't afraid to talk
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about what hurts the most
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and now here's your host teri anderson
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today's episode's gonna be shorter than
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the others because
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i'm not doing so great
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i've got some things
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shingles internal shingles what the heck
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who ever thought about something like
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that
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not feeling so good plus
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therapy last week i have therapy every
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friday
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every friday for years
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and i love my therapist
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i think a lot of people shy away from
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therapy because they cannot find a
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therapist that they can connect to and
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that happened to me it took me years to
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find the right therapist
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and the right psychiatrist and i
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you know i've got a team you know the
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three of us we really work at this hard
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we work at keeping me healthy
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and
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above above the surface of the water
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when there are a lot of times that i
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wanted to be nothing but below the
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surface of the water
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well this week in therapy we talked
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about some things that brought some
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things up emotionally for me
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that really
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are affecting me
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and you know i want to be really blatant
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really transparent really clear with
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everyone
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i am still very affected by the things
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that happened to me when i was a kid and
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i'm going to tell you about some of that
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but it
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with the forewarning that this is going
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to be a shorter episode this week
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for that very reason i'm trying to still
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work through these things and on the
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surface they may not seem that
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crucial
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but to me what it did it brought back
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those feelings i had in full
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force
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we were talking about the death
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of the one person in my life
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i knew loved me
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beyond
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measure
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that was my grandmother
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i mean i want you to picture this okay
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here i am this this little kid i was
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probably
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four or five years old
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my grandmother
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had a farm
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that she rented out
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she was very cosmopolitan very chic and
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you know way cool
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she was born on the farm she hated it
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she was always embarrassed that she was
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had been born on a farm and she didn't
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have shoes and she didn't have a horse
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to ride to school that she had to ride
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to school on a mule
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so she really pushed and pushed and she
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got herself out of that town but she
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kept that farm
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and we were at the farm one time i don't
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know doing farm business or whatever she
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took me with her
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a lot
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and there was i don't remember what it
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was called it was sort of like a
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reservoir
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it was like
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you know the beverly hillbillies they
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call the swimming pool the concrete pond
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well this to the best of my recollection
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it was a
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a concrete
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pond but it was above ground i don't
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know i don't know how big it was it had
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some fish in it and there was one
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particular fish i wanted
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and i'm watching this woman dress to the
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nines
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take her shoes off roll her pants up
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climb into that reservoir whatever it
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was to catch the only fish i wanted i
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didn't want any other fish i wanted that
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one blue fish
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and i'm watching her with a jar
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walk around
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trying to catch that damn fish
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if that doesn't say i love you
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and i
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want you to know i love you
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i don't know what does
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but she did it
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my parents never would have done that
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never never never
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but we were talking about her and the
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things that she had done that really
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made me feel wanted accepted
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and
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cherished
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and then what her death did to me
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being the age i was i was almost 16
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years old i had had
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i was blessed i had a much longer time
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with my grandmother than my my cousins
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did
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and i was also the first grandchild
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for i was a girl
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first grandchild and therefore i held
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the crown
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in the
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grandchild arena according to my
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grandmother
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and
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i have to say that my aunts
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i think they gave me a little bit of
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grace in that i think
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with me i would have a little bit of
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trouble with my p with my mother
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indulging one grandchild over another
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but i think they may have had a little
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grace with me
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because they did see
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what i went through with my parents
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being you know almost 16 there are some
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things that they told me there were a
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lot of things that they didn't tell me
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we did some wonderful wonderful things
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before she died and when she died
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it was the strangest thing
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i was
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i was in bed i was asleep and my mother
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came into my room and woke me up
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and
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she said terry deena just died
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i said i know
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and my mother just collapsed crying on
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me
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which was for me very uncomfortable and
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very unusual because my mother my
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parents did not touch me they did not
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hug me and i can remember looking back
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at
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christmas photos
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with my mother and her sisters and their
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families and we always get a picture
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every
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every christmas
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and
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in my aunt's families they're laying on
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each other they're hugging each other
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they're
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you know being all lovey-dovey
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but in the fan the pictures with my
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family
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we were about six inches apart
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everyone's arms were crossed and no one
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was touching
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that i think was the first time i
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realized there was a real legitimate
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problem with my family
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and i don't know how i got off on that
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track talking i guess because i didn't
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want to really
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have to talk about the death of my
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grandmother
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but my mother came in and she said terry
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had her dina had died
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and i knew
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because i had just had a dream
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if you could call it a dream or was it
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not a dream did i actually travel there
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did she beckon me to her
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in her final moments
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i remember being in the bedroom that she
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was in
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and we were talking i had been out and
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bought a dress that day for a school
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dance
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and there was a sandstorm which was very
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unusual in dfw
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but back on the farm it wasn't unusual
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at all they were all the time
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and i remember telling her we talked for
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a bit she told me how much she loved me
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i was telling her you know she asked me
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about my day i told her about the
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sandstorm it was just like the
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sandstorms back in big spring and it
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hurt it would sting your legs when you
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would walk in it would sting your face
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it was horrible
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and i don't know how how long i i
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felt i was there seems like i was there
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long enough to have a pretty good
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conversation with her and then
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at one point she told me she loved me
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again and she said you need to go now
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because sandy will be here in a minute
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sandy was my aunt and my grandmother was
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at that time staying with my aunt
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while she was sick
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and the next thing i knew my mother was
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tapping me on the shoulder telling me
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that she had died and my answer to her
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was i i know
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i was telling this to my therapist and
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we
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or he asked me a question he said terry
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how long did it take you
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to really come to terms with the death
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of your grandmother you speak about her
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a lot
9:36
you you let me know she was really your
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only
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trusted caregiver besides your your
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other aunts
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how long did it take you to process her
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death
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and i sat back because that was a
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question
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i've thought of before
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i know for about five or six years i
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didn't think about it it was actually
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seven years after she died and went to
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the cemetery and i just fell apart
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in the cemetery
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on her grave and i spent the entire day
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there
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but i would
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i told him something that i hadn't
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really thought of before and that was
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that i pretended that she wasn't dead
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here i am almost 16 years old and i'm
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saying
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to myself you know logically i knew my
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grandmother was dead i was at the
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funeral i saw the whole thing i was
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there i knew it but in my heart of
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hearts
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i
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would tell myself she was going to
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another country to get treatment
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she was going to get well and she was
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going to come back for me she wasn't
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going to leave me
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in this situation that i was in she was
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going to surprise us all she was going
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to come back her hair was going to be
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back it was raven black
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she was gorgeous
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and she was going to be healthy and
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whole and everything would be just like
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it was when she was there
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or at the times when i was with her
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and i he said really you
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you had this fantasy it was like yeah it
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was really you know i thought about it a
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lot i thought about it it seems like
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almost every day
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you know is she gonna come back today is
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she gonna be
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here today i wonder what country she's
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in today i wonder what treatment she's
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trying today
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so i was really
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trying to convince myself i guess that
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my grandmother had not died
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and
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then he asked me if i had
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ever had
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any other
11:45
um similar situation
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and i thought for a second i looked at
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him
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virtually
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and said yeah
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when i was a little girl
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i had a pretend family
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and i knew they were a pretend family it
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wasn't like i was telling myself my
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grandmother was coming
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home but i kind of created my own family
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where i was safe i had even a nanny
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and her main job
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was to make sure that no one
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hurt me my mom and dad in that fantasy
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world had hired her
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basically for my protection and you know
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when i look back at it now i almost
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wonder if
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it was my grandmother that i had in that
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role
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but i did i had this pretend
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fantasy family
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it was perfect i would do things with my
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mom we would go places we would have
12:50
fun she would cook which she didn't cook
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and she was teaching me these things
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and my dad was always really my real dad
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but he was home
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he was always home he wasn't flying he
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wasn't with other clients he was home
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like the rest of the dads were
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but i had a different mom and i had this
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nanny and so we sort of talked through
13:16
that and that brought up this huge rush
13:19
of emotion
13:20
in just how abandoned i felt as a child
13:26
you know my parents made sure i had
13:28
everything i needed
13:30
and i know when i was little
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and my dad was going to school and he
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was doing these things my mother stayed
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home with us
13:38
i know that my grandmother did pay for a
13:41
lot of things she paid for my dance
13:43
lesson she paid for my christmas present
13:45
she bought me clothes
13:47
she paid for a lot of things and
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as my dad's career took off
13:54
they they did make sure that we had the
13:56
necessities that we needed but nothing
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else
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at least my mom my dad was gone mom came
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home she'd go to bed she would close the
14:07
door she would lock us out
14:09
but in my pretend family that didn't
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happen and you know
14:14
at the time that my mother went back to
14:15
work i was probably 12 years old maybe
14:19
13 years old
14:21
heck i could have been older than that
14:23
but i still had this pretend family
14:25
where i was protected and i would
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retreat into that family
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i wouldn't be hurt
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i wouldn't be trying to get my mother's
14:35
attention that i was really there
14:38
we wouldn't get into fist fights
14:41
i mean my mother and i and i had some
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very physical altercations when i was
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young
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and
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i really don't know why i know
14:53
a lot of them i
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had said something
14:59
about wanting to be with my aunt or
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wanting to be with my grandmother or
15:04
when i was going to see them and i think
15:06
that set her off i think it provoked her
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and
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now looking back on it you know at 60 or
15:15
60 years old and seeing the trauma that
15:17
my mother had gone through
15:20
not having her mother there and then her
15:23
daughter is crying out for her sister
15:26
and her mother and not her
15:28
i think that
15:30
really
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put more of a divide in there
15:35
and i take blame for that and i really
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shouldn't
15:38
because i was young and those were the
15:40
only people that had protected me and if
15:43
i cried out for them
15:46
and was beaten like i was
15:49
or i wouldn't be spoken to
15:52
or i would have to stay in my room for
15:54
however many weeks it was
15:57
you know the only safe place to be was
15:59
in a fantasy world
16:02
and i think that i kept that fantasy
16:04
world up for quite some time
16:07
you know i know
16:08
until my
16:10
into my adulthood
16:12
on the outside i could be somebody
16:14
completely different
16:16
i was
16:16
i appeared confident and self-assured
16:20
but i wasn't i was scared i was scared i
16:23
was gonna lose something i was afraid
16:26
that i was gonna die in a car accident
16:32
i was afraid i had all of these fears
16:37
within me
16:38
but i was putting on this brave face
16:41
this different face
16:44
so no one could see how horrible i was
16:47
that my mother didn't love me the way
16:50
she loved my brothers
16:52
and
16:54
that i wasn't
16:55
so horrible that my dad chose a
16:57
profession
16:59
that would take him away from me all the
17:01
time
17:03
and i know that's not what happened i
17:05
know that's not why my dad decided to
17:07
become a pilot
17:09
he loved flying
17:13
but flying was really the other woman in
17:16
his life or was the woman in his life
17:20
flying took him away from my mother took
17:22
him away from us and my dad and i had
17:25
always been very close
17:30
as close as we could be i guess
17:33
it's really weird i just said that
17:35
and then i realized but wait a minute
17:37
terry your dad never hugged you your dad
17:39
never told you he loved you
17:42
but he showed me in ways he bought me
17:44
toys he made toys for us
17:48
he did things that he would interact
17:51
with us my mother would never
17:53
never do that
17:56
so
17:56
that's the way i knew my dad loved me
18:00
and what's really weird is i don't ever
18:02
really remember being hit by by my dad i
18:04
do by my mother and i know my brothers
18:07
were hit by my father because i
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witnessed it and it scared me to death
18:12
to think that that could come toward me
18:15
and i always tried to be really good
18:17
when my dad was home because i didn't
18:20
want what i saw my brothers
18:22
get
18:25
but at the same time my gosh being so
18:28
lost
18:29
and
18:31
not realizing a lot of this until i was
18:34
about 58 years old is when i felt safe
18:36
enough to start letting this come out
18:40
that says a lot
18:41
that says how much damage and how much
18:44
fear was there
18:47
and to think of everything that i've
18:49
lost
18:51
because i imploded
18:55
in 2008 when my dad died or he died in
18:58
2007 my mother in 2006 2008 i fell apart
19:03
and i think i've told you that's because
19:04
i thought it was safe to do so then
19:08
and
19:10
i really
19:13
went to rock bottom
19:16
i had to rebuild every part of myself
19:20
and i don't think it was until the last
19:22
two years
19:24
you know 2020 2019 2020 that i really
19:28
made a lot of
19:32
connections
19:34
and realized
19:36
i wasn't the bad kid
19:38
my aunts were telling me i was a
19:40
delightful child my grandmother loved me
19:44
my dad started talking to me a whole lot
19:46
more after he died
19:49
about how important it was to let your
19:51
kids know they you loved them
19:54
and he you know he still he was still
19:56
very uncomfortable with with anything
19:58
like that he was
19:59
basically left in a playpen
20:02
um
20:03
all day long while his mother worked and
20:05
the neighbor would come up and feed and
20:07
change him
20:09
so my dad
20:11
had
20:14
my parents had traumas of their own to
20:15
deal with
20:20
and last friday talking to my i think
20:23
texas just came out of my mouth when i
20:24
said friday
20:26
talking to my therapist it
20:29
it's made for a really long really hard
20:31
weekend i've slept most of it i went to
20:34
a couple of
20:38
i went to see friends perform
20:40
they're jazz musicians
20:42
i went to you know some
20:44
a couple of things this weekend and it
20:47
helped but it it it really um
20:52
it distracted me
20:53
and it reminds me how i would distract
20:55
myself before i knew what was going on
20:59
before i knew i had cptsd before i knew
21:02
that there was really
21:04
an emotional problem that i needed to
21:06
work on
21:08
and i would escape
21:10
and i feel that's what's happening right
21:12
now
21:14
and i
21:15
i really did a lot of research this week
21:17
and i was okay i was okay during the
21:20
doing the research i was okay putting
21:22
everything together
21:24
but
21:28
friday
21:29
with therapy
21:33
it put everything in a new light a new
21:35
picture for me
21:37
it brought the past alive it brought it
21:40
back full force
21:43
and i'm i mean
21:45
i'm struggling right now
21:48
vander
21:50
um
21:51
where is that let me find it here
21:54
bessel vander kulk
21:57
many of you if you've if you read a lot
21:59
on
22:00
ptsd trauma neglect
22:04
abuse such things such as that you'll
22:06
you'll know that name vessel vanderkult
22:09
he said
22:10
people talk about trauma as an event
22:12
that happened a long time ago
22:16
but what trauma is
22:18
is the imprints that event has left on
22:22
your mind and in your sensations
22:26
the discomfort
22:28
you feel and the agitation you feel and
22:31
the rage and the helplessness you feel
22:35
right now
22:37
that's where i am right now i'm not in
22:40
the in in the
22:42
in the present i'm fine
22:45
not really
22:47
i'm not talking about you know present
22:49
day
22:49
day problems
22:51
it really resurrected
22:55
flashbacks for me
22:58
of when i was a child and some of the
23:00
things that had went on had gone on
23:03
and so i'm having a difficult time so
23:05
i'm going to ask you to forgive me but i
23:07
am going to cut this short because
23:10
i need to focus on me right now
23:13
for the next couple of days at least and
23:16
hopefully have a
23:18
full-length podcast episode up
23:21
next tuesday
23:23
but i need to be aware
23:25
as you do of what your triggers are
23:28
what you need to do to bring them down
23:32
and sometimes when we push through we
23:33
push through so far
23:36
that we fall
23:38
face first because there's something
23:40
emotionally we need to deal with
23:42
at that time at that moment
23:46
and i know for me it comes when i start
23:48
sleeping as much as i've been sleeping
23:51
so i need to do some soul searching i
23:53
need to figure this out i need to sort
23:56
out this fantasy family and the fantasy
23:59
that my grandmother had never died you
24:01
know those are things that i held and i
24:04
think i put them in a box and put them
24:06
away but they're really quite disturbing
24:09
right now and i don't think it's
24:11
i really don't feel it's like in
24:13
anyone's best interest for me to go on
24:17
and do
24:19
more of an episode
24:22
on trauma on ptsd on cptsd at the moment
24:27
because right now i feel like a broken
24:29
jar
24:31
and i know that it has been put together
24:35
but what bessel vanderkolk said about
24:39
the
24:39
imprint
24:41
it's still there
24:45
i need to take that seriously because i
24:48
need you guys to take it seriously
24:51
and i need to be
24:54
in this position
24:56
if i'm going to be doing a podcast on
24:59
mental health
25:00
overcoming
25:01
cptsd and trauma
25:04
and i find myself in a position where i
25:06
need help i need to be able to be
25:10
real with you and say
25:12
hey i'm sorry this has to be a short
25:15
kind of
25:17
on the fly
25:18
episode because i need to recognize
25:23
what my inner child is crying out for
25:26
and that's weird trying to re-parent
25:28
your inner child the first time i did
25:30
that it was like way weird
25:33
and i was in the i was in a flashback
25:37
and
25:38
i realized i was in a flashback and i
25:40
realized what i was feeling at that time
25:42
no was nowhere near
25:45
what the moment called for
25:47
i realized i was feeling what i was
25:49
feeling when i was a little kid in the
25:51
same thing it happened to me
25:56
and so what i did was
25:59
i'm talking to myself i'm talking to
26:00
like little terry there saying it's okay
26:04
you're safe with me
26:05
i'm gonna take care of you
26:07
i'm not not gonna let anything happen to
26:09
you
26:10
you are safe
26:12
i mean she was just three four five six
26:14
years old i'm 60. i think i can
26:17
take care and protect
26:19
a little child especially if that little
26:22
child dwells within me
26:25
so i need to heed that calling and i
26:27
need to do that i hope you'll forgive me
26:30
for that
26:31
hopefully next week we'll be back with a
26:36
revelatory
26:38
episode of
26:41
grand proportions
26:43
and that everyone will be able to learn
26:45
something
26:47
but
26:48
look at me and look at yourself
26:50
if you're feeling your triggers
26:53
you're walking through your triggers and
26:54
you know what your triggers are listen
26:57
to them
26:58
and take care of yourself
27:00
so that's what i'm going to do
27:02
i'm going to say bye for now
27:04
and i will see you
27:06
next week
27:12
thank you for listening to digging
27:14
through dominoes
27:15
make sure you subscribe so you don't
27:17
miss any future episodes in the meantime
27:20
connect with terry on facebook and
27:22
instagram at digging through dominoes on
27:25
twitter at digging dominoes and online
27:29
at digging through dominos.com
27:32
until next time thank you for listening
27:36
[Music]